A Royal Wedding and a Funeral.

Last weekend was EPIC. We had A Royal wedding and a funeral. And now that its over don’t you think something is amiss? 

        1.       The Brits have nothing to bet on now. Apparently they even measured the first kiss, it was 0.7 seconds long. They bet on everything from kate’s designer gown to the number of hair strands left on William’s head.  

        2.        The Americans have achieved their 10year dream. So until the point Osama was alive we all had something to look forward to, i.e Nailing that S.O.B. and Now that he’s gone, dead, ka-putt (or so he wants us to believe, while he chills with his best friends Mush and Bush) *Oh no! he dint just say that!* Americans took 10years to capture him but minutes to kill him.

       3.       We Indians on the other hand. Caught our terrorist within 2 days of the incident (Mumbai -26/11/2008) and have kept him alive for almost 3years. I pay 10% of my salary as taxes to keep him alive! We take our Indian tourism motto very seriously “Atithi Devo Bhava” which means “The Guest is to be treated like God!”
Our terrorist is given a trial to defend himself. Note – he was caught on camera killing people. He denies that was him and the case carries on. He has hired OJ Simpson’s lawyers.


So what do we do now? No more wedding until Harry decides to marry, which by the Grin on his face and the look in his eyes on the day seemed like the day would be NEVER. He doesn’t want to suffer from the condition - ONE-GINA.
No more terrorists to be caught. Unless India is proactive and traces down 2,359* (and counting) terrorists and executes them.

Erm... Uhm.. Err!! Yeah! thats what it is!!

 Havent you seen many self help books that have man on the cover with greased up hairstyle and a grin that shows 40 of his 32 teeth (yes! 40) all you want to do his sock that mother-lover in his face.  

I came across this book that apparently “helps you get women” What a load of nonsense.. You have seen Cosmo do it, Youtube explain it, Google it. I am sure none of these authors ever got laid, by a human atleast.

I hate it when I come across Home shopping channels with ridiculous products.

           1.   “Chun Funk” Height increaser – it’s a shoe insole and all it does is poke ur feet. You are to walk in this for 1hour daily and you can increase your height by 4inches. Bull crap all you get is Sore Feet.
This has a Chinese name something like “Chun Funk” which probably means “Your money is mine suckaa!!”. To make you think “Yea, its from the exotic far east, it must be true.” If it was all Asians would be Yeo Ming!

           2.    Edward Cullen presents “Freaky, Crazy ass White” fairness cream – (There are actual fairness creams here in India who claim to make you fair. Racist Idiots!) the sales pitch goes like this “Are you Dark skinned?” “Got dark circles under your eyes!?” basically it’s a load of nonsense ,  and then some other Fair girl walks in who talks bout her misery when she was not that fair.. And the whole scene goes black and white, this fair girl walks in with a ton of tar on her face, looking ridiculous and then her friend offers her FREAKY WHITE and tells her “You’d shine like Edward now!” and presto! shes fair! Where did the tar go?
instead if that was the truth – We would all be of one color and Benetton would shut down leaving russel jobless.

                                                                                                                                                                     

          3.    Snow white Teeth – Whiten your teeth in 10mins. Before using this product if no one spoke to you after using this no one ever will hang 10 feet around you. Because even if this works you will look like Ross Gellar in that FRIENDS episode where his teeth are freakishly white.
The truth - They’d probably re start the Guillotine system and scream WITCH WITCH and throw eggs while you get your head chopped off.

         4.     Justin Beiber HairStyling Cream – Justin does have great hair, I admit. But you wouldn’t wanna roam around the street looking like that chasing women screaming “Baby, baby!!”
No amount of hair gel or hair Re-growth can give you that hair.

                                                            

                                              TO BE CONTINUED......

The Mayans and MY theory of 2012

All this fuss about 2012 is getting way out of hand.
the mayans predicted “ The world as we know it will come to an end on 22^nd December 2012.” How did these guys predict something 5,125 years ago?
well I don’t know if its true or not but I am a non believer. 2012 may not happen at all, but the movie 2012 did bomb, maybe thats wat the mayans predicted "5125years in the future a movie called 2012 will bomb at the box office!!"

Anyway so here is how I picture the whole event that went down 5,125 years ago in a Mayan tribe.

My theory

The year is 4000 BC, Mayan tribe, it’s afternoon time. 2 mischievous kids, !Sksak and ?Musha bunked the jungle school.
!Sksak suffered from ADD (hence the ! before his name. Who has a ! before their name, u ask – Read – russell peters and !XOBILE)
And ?Musha was a Confused Kid hence the ? before his name (Who has a ? before their name. u ask? Its my story, and I feel like it, hence ?Musha!!)

So they just bunked Jungle school and decided to work on their tree house, erm.. well lets just say house, coz those days everybody lived on a tree or caves.
These kids found a coal and a round wheel and decided to play an elaborate prank on their friends but since these kids had nothing to do they decided to pwn people after 5125years..

The conversation went something like this.

!Sksak - ?Musha, come here man.. quick! I got it! I got it!! Yes!! 

?Musha – Calm the F down man! Why are you yelling!
!Sksak – Well we will make our own calendar and freak people out that the world is coming to an end!
?Musha – Uhm.. I’m not sure it’s a good idea. My parents would stone me to death if they found out!
(Those days stoning someone meant todays “go to your room!” and life had no value)
!Sksak – Lets do it to people way into the future.. Like how bout 5125years ahead!!
?Musha – Jesus Christ! Why would you do something like that!!
!Sksak – Jesus? Not for another 4000years man.. Dude chill. I’m telling you some idiots would freak out in that year! It’ll be EPIC!!!

*they go ahead designing the wheel, once its done*

?Musha – I’m still not sure! How would we know if it works!
!Sksak – Uh-oh.. Damn..
?Musha – I gotta run man. My mom is cooking T-Rex for dinner today.
!Sksak – What do we do of this junk now?
?Musha – lets bury it and hope people find it and decipher this  and freak out!

So they do and I am very sure those two kids must be rolling on the floor now somewhr!!

Got it off the Net. Cracked me up!

Life In Mumbai

For those who stay in India knows Mumbai is the place to be to make it big. For those who stay elsewhere this is the New York, Hollywood, Milan, Melbourne, Manchester, Bangkok of India.

Mumbai is the city to be if you want to be the next Amitabh Bachchan or Shah Rukh Khan because of the Indian Film Industry, which i hate it when people call it “Bollywood”.

You all must have heard a lot about Mumbai -

1. Slumdog Millionaire was shot here

2. Shantaram - Gregory David Roberts. (must read)

One of the places in Mumbai is called Dadar, (Daa-darr) which according to Google Translation, translates to Omlette in English from Indonesian. *confused look*

Dadar is the one of the most crowded places to catch a local train from. At any given moment of the day there is crowd big enough to make the biggest Thanksgiving day parade look small.

For eg.- You Come from Japan or America where you have escalators where you stand on it and it carries you to your platform, simple. Hah! We top that here in Dadar. All you have to do is stand at the entrance people will take you there comfortably.. into the wrong train.

Lets say you are in the train and you hear the announcement “Next station dadar” Gear up. Because if you cant get down in time the people getting in will enter and you reach the next station.

Let me illustrate the feeling with an example.

Eg.- When i look out of the local train and see dadar station approach I feel like a Rock star with the pool of people waiting at the station, wanting to just throw myself and be carried by my fans.. Until the train halts then I feel like King Leonidas against a million.. "No prisoners! No mercy!" its a battlefield!

This city grows on to you, you begin to love it. Marine Drive, Queens Necklace, Haji Ali etc.

A Mint leaf - Blind man's point of view

Blogathon Day 2


We see these things on a daily basis because we are blessed with Vision. Close your eyes and navigate across the room, its difficult. But to a blind man, this is routine. In this next post I attempt to describe a Mint leaf to a blind person using my FIVE senses.

A MINT LEAF

Light, small like a feather fits in your palm. Smooth like a baby’s cheek yet wrinkly as an old man’s skin.
Take a smell and it fills your lungs with freshness and in you want some more. Besides the lungs it gives a fresh-shot to your brains and it stays there lingering, opens up your mind with one whiff!
Chew it, it’s a mint blast, freshens your mouth and with a gulp you feel the freshness right to your stomach, highlighting every internal organ on it way…
It looks like the map of Mumbai pointing out the roads and the three railway life lines of Mumbai city stretching all the way through the ends of the leaf.
It is green in color, the color of prosperity, the color of money. The color of morning freshness, when you walk in the park and everything feels like and smells like the first rain!
The rustling of its leaves, when attached to the branches,  sounds like the waterfall fiercely hitting the rocks a hundred feet below except this is a thousand times softer.




Thank you Mrs. Patricia Chandrashekhar you have truly been an inspiration and a guiding light. I dedicate this Blogathon to you Ma'am. 
And also to my loving parents who celebrate their 25year wedding anniversary this month.

An Apple - A blind man's view.

Blogathon - Post 1


I look at this shiny dark red globe that is always depicted in pictures of the Garden of Eden. It reminds me of Adam and Eve when I touch it. It smells as beautiful as the smell in the park at 6am when the grass and the leaves have bathed in the morning dew. The bright red color mixed with a tinge of orange from Mother Nature’s palette gives it life. When you hold it you can’t help but reminisce about the history its been through from Eve to Newton.
 It gave us an insight into gravity and Steve his Job. It is our best friend, and a Doctor’s worst enemy. A bite into the apple and you hear a crunch like the ball off the middle of Sachin Tendulkar’s bat and then you hear it echo in your head every time you chew and the juices fill your mouth and take over your senses.  One gulp and it urges you for just one more leaving a lingering taste long after its done.
So slice it, dice it, cut it, crush it, peel it, eat it, savor it and put it on your diet list. It’s a faithful friend and a humble servant, a humble servant with its master throughout the year, unlike the king (the mango) who comes to visit his subjects for just three months of the year.
The seeds are like a gun pellet ready to fire up into an apple and destroy all diseases and help build a safer wall of immunity.

Movies Then and Now.. Whats changed?!

Movies we loved. We grew up watching them.. Here is my Twist on the movies if they were made in 2011

Deewar - 

Then

2 brothers. Same Mother. One righteous Cop other a Gangster. Cop does his duty kills the brother. Famous Dialogue - "Mere pass bangla hai.. blah blah blah.." "Mere pass Maa hai.. 

Now - Same deal. 

Gangster - "mere pass bangla hai, gaadi hai, blah blah blah hai.. tumhare pass kya hai!"

Cop - "Haha.. Loser! Mere pass woh sab hai.. plus Adarsh society main flat hai. Satyam main investment hai. Swiss account hai! F.O!"

Gangster - "toh maa kahan hai!?" 

Cop - "She is gone on a Euro Trip bro.. 3G scam main bahut kamaya"

Amar Akbar Anthony..

Then - 3 brothers, twist of fate, separated at childhood. One is taken in by a Hindu - Amar. One us by a Muslim - Akbar and the third by a Christian - Anthony. Paths cross after 20 odd years and they are re-united.. They live happily ever After...


Now - 3 brothers, Twist of fate they are separated during IPL. Amar supports Mumbai Indians.. Akbar - Bangalore RC and Anthony - Kolkata Knight riders.. They fight for 40 days..  
They are re-united during WC 2011 when they support India.. They all worship the same God - Sachin Tendulkar.
They live happily ever after - until IPL 2012 atleast..

Sholay
Then - Gabbar cuts off Thakurs hands.. Ties Viru, Makes basanti dance for him..

NOW -
Gabbar catches Thakur and cuts his Thumbs so that thakur cant use his BlackBerry messenger..
Then he ties Basanti and askes Viru to dance for him.. and uploads the pics on FB - Gabbar and Viru are now in a realtionship. its complicated - basanti and samba dislike this.


Mr. India 
Nice Guy Finds Bracelet that makes him invisible. Kicks Blondie's ass!


Now.
Mr. India - Guy finds bracelet that makes him invisible. Makes MMS clips.. Rich Perve!


Actually it should be
Ms. India - Poonam Pandey. She's not seen in red, rather she's not been seen at all!


DDLJ
You know the plot..


Now - Raj meets Simran on the train. They fall in Lust. Simran is gonna get married to this Punjabi guy in India. Raj follows. Falls in Love with the Punjabi guy. Elopes and Gets married to him in Vegas.

THE BEGINNING!